SWEETWATER GAZETTE

EST. 1935

By Mrs. L. Tow and Noel Garland
Kringle Associated Press Writers
November 11, 2006, 4:31 AM PAC

Global Warming threat thwarted; Christmas deliveries scheduled as planned.

SANTA’S VILLAGE, North Pole -

The pole has been void of any of the cold stuff for many months and experts have put the blame on global warming. 

 

 The first snow of

the season has arrived at the Pole and with it comes sighs of relief from Santa and his helpers. Despite this turn of events, critics are skeptical of Santa’s explanation for the lack of the snow.

“Man has created this disaster,” said C. Ken Little, founder of Falling Sky Coalition, an environmental watch group, “and now the children of the world will be without Christmas gifts because of our dependence on fossil fuels.”

According to sources, without snow, Santa would not be able to deliver packages. “Reindeer must have adequate snow for the initial launch from the Pole,” stated an anonymous elf. “I can’t disclose trade secrets,” he continued, “all I can say is there is a certain magic in the snow that allows for lift-off.”

“Hogwash,” exclaims Santa, “I have proof the Grinch is behind this late snow fall but no one will examine the facts I’ve presented. It’s irrelevant anyway,” he claims, “ I’ve never missed a delivery and I never will. These scare tactics are merely desperate attempts to undermine Christmas. I know several people who will be added to my naughty list next year!.”

In fact, Santa’s agents had imported several rare Mediterranean Reindeer as a precautionary measure. This little known species can tolerate much higher temperatures than the average Reindeer and they have a lower snow to take-off ratio.

Luckily, these specialized carriers won’t be needed this year. The normal flight team of Donner, Blitzen and the others are preparing for the arduous trip come December 24th. 

“All is well. Christmas deliveries are scheduled as planned,” said Santa, “and I will take care of the Grinch myself!”

“I’m glad the snow has finally arrived. I was never worried though, I’m always prepared for any circumstance.”

The only victims of this story are the Mediterranean Reindeer who became depressed when they learned they would not be pulling the sleigh for Santa this year. 

Santa assured his elves take the finest care off all the Reindeer and added, “We’re giving them extra rations of eggnog and they are responding well. We expect them to be full of Christmas Cheer just in time for the Holidays!”

This special news report brought to you by Sweetwater Ibizans

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KAP Photo: Opal, a rare Mediterranean Reindeer, recovering from the news she won’t be part of Santa’s delivery team...